Pond Scum Spotlight: In Which Idiots Who Pollute Cyberspace Get the Level of Attention They Obviously Crave

Hi There. I’ve just spent the past hour or so scrubbing spam comments off this weblog. Big, dumb, robotic intrusions into a discourse space with the sole purpose of shoving unsolicited ecommerce past the eyeballs of unsuspecting visitors.

Let’s be clear: This is not the equivalent of email spam--which, loathsome as it may be, is merely junk mail with no barriers to entry. Spam comments, on the other hand, can only be compared to annoying, psychotic non sequiturs that interrupt conversation. Imagine yourself at a party speaking intensely with two other people about something all three of you care passionately about. Now imagine this asshole--slightly sweaty, bug-eyed, in a cheap suit--muscling his way in, screaming Excuse me! Excuse me! I want you to buy a prom dress from me!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen--we’re talking about Business Pond Scum here. People worse than those electronic stores that have 30-year-long going out of business sales; people more creepy than those guys with less than full sets of teeth, who want to sell you stereo speakers off the back of a U-Haul; impolite thugs who basically need to be bitch-slapped into silence and then sent to military school.

Any one who follows the arc of this weblog must realize by now that my politics are not those of the sitting government. However, this morning I had an epiphany: I could finally wrap my head around and fully get behind capital punishment--I’d like to see the cretins who spray-painted this weblog with bad, even misspelled self-advertisements marched before a firing squad. Up Against the Wall, You Mothers. . . Bam! Next?

Of all the guerilla merchandisers who visited like burglars in the dead of night, my personal favorite is the search page which promises “Search Without Junk.” Yeah, that’s right, the hypocritical bastards are spamming to promote an allegedly spam-free search engine. Do me, yourself and every other legitimate Web citizen a favor--don’t patronize this service provider--ever. Forget about some kind of metaphysical rationalization for a boycott--it simply comes down to lying in public: They are junk merchants who say they don’t abide junk. Uh, good luck with your next search with them--you know, that critical one on which your job depends . . .

This is not the first time I’ve found myself scrubbing clean this blog for the safety and convenience of visitors. But this morning, it occurred to me that doing so in the early morning hours--and keeping quiet about it--makes me complicit with these eCom Thugs--so I’ve decided to speak up.

The following is the list of assholes who, this morning, would have loved to interrupt and distract you. I know they’re selfish and ultimately cowardly fools, and maybe you should too. So welcome to Pond Scum Spotlight:

http://***gowncity.com/ http://***sikhlink.com/ http://***findz.com/ http://***eleather.us http://***shopstorenow.com/ http://***abchelpdesk.com/ http://***gownforless.com/ http://***promlist.us/ http://***promsale.com/ http://***promgown-promdress-bridalgown.com/ http://***promnow.com http://***.shopshop.com/ http://***bridalhome.com/

Clearly, supporting these companies is directly endorsing the unethical and reprehensible practice of spam commenting. I leave the decision to you-- but I’m certain you’ll do the right thing.

And now, I’ve got one last comment--send the kids out of the room and ask the faint-hearted to cover their eyes. Everyone gone who should be gone? Okay . . . Very personal to all of the Pond Scum Spotlight Honorees: Screw Yourselves.

Are we clear here? Good.

Friday, April 1, 2005 11:15:22 AM

Comments

[Lane DeNicola]

Oh yes, only too familiar with this kind of stupidity. Despite significant effort about a year ago:

http://www.nacresky.com/lad/cp/archives/2004/10/site_change.html

I continue to deal with it routinely. I'll never forget the Perl workshop I went to seven or eight years ago where one of the instructors, in explaining his background, stated that among his other projects he was a sysadmin for a significant smut site. Struck me in a minor key kinda way, but I assumed a little thought might put in squarely in the freedom-of-expression territory. Today, were that same instructor to say he developed spamming systems, well let's just say I'd want to uselessly occupy as much of HIS time RIGHT THEN as I've had occupied by them over the last few years!

[zo]

"Up Against the Wall, You Mothers. . . Bam! Next?"

geez, kev, do they even get a blindfold?

no?

okay.